This is not an essay. A few days ago, Kenyan novelist, Wainaina Binyavanga, tweeted a set of remarks he called “a brief scientific history of demons.”  Aaron Bady of New Inquiry compiled and edited them into what you have here.

I can’t honestly say what this is. Really. You just have to read and make of it what you will. Looks like Binyavanga was possessed by Marechera’s spirit or something. The most I can say is that when storytelling tips over the edge of prophecy, you get this.

#BrazeYourself

Image by Ivan Forde

So the demon for homosexuality, is it French? Coz many Pentecostals say it is not African. Now, the demon of homosexuality—I’m thinking it came on a ship, coz demons must be hosted by a body. They just can’t arrive by teleporting. Bible Scientists who know the field very well have deeply researched ALL African knowledge and are sure Gay demon DID indeed come from the West. Scientists and experts on Bible Africa are sure Homo demon was imported. I’m not sure though whether by plane or ship. Container number? Homosexuality demon could very well have arrived, not in a container (carrying Friesian bulls maybe?), it could have come with passengers. Homosexuality demon must have sat around bored for a long long time occupying one or two people, until the internet arrived.

When the internet arrived, the homosexuality demon went digital, and was able to climb into optic fibers. Homosexuality demon learns fast. Full of trickery. Read a lot and decided to convert from simple analogue demonhood, to an actual ideology. Homosexuality demon is by this time quite African, a middle class one, likes old colonial houses, comfy hotels, really likes imported things. Homosexuality deamon decided to occupy son of a pastor to a scholarship in the Netherlands where they ate cheese, wore clogs and smoked bang. While smoking bhang and at tenting philosophy they came up with a Homosexual ideology. They called it Gayism and Lesbianism. Homosexuality demon and son of Pastor knew that Africans would never accept them unless they were imported and western. So they bought skinny jeans and balanced trousers.

Uganda Pride 2012 participant. Image courtesy of David Robinson

Flight back to Nairobi (first class with NGO money), they were attacked overflying Sudan, by a chariot of male African homosexuality demons. It was very traumatizing – a bunch of Wolof speakers afro-demons, some Azande, some refused to say. Two Kings. Shaka and Kabaka Mwanga. So. they were hijacked and taken to a hotel in Entebbe. They were taught many things, secret Baganda things, warrior-like Zulu things. Kabaka Mwanga said he really liked young boys, pages. He liked girls too. Actually he liked a feast of flesh.

So, demon of Homosexuality (French mum, English dad) and Pastor’s Son were very well educated. Shaka, they learned was into pain: thorns, shot spear stabs, soulful war cries. He taught them geopolitics and how to shield their websites. Shaka was not into women. Hated lesbians. Kabaka mwanga hated white people, kept trying to poison Imported Homosexual demon. He really hated Catholic priests. They killed his lovers. The things they did in the Cathedral!Over two weeks in Entebbe, they used social media to spread Afro-homosexualism everywhere with a few dutch techniques.

Meanwhile Museveni and Martin Ssempa really wanted to make some contacts with some crazy Bush type southern baptist ex- slave owning types. And so they had lunch with some Pentacostals who showed them the famous poo poo videos. Museveni was a soldier, and soldiers know what these things are about. man -man love has always been part of man-man war. But Ssempa was sssstunned. sweaty, hot, most and tender, angry. Sssso..that night King Shaka and Kabaka Mwanga visited him in his room and showed him the Cow Formation Sssstrategy – he has not recovered. Pastor’s son/Homsexual demon built a cottage together in Azandeland where they took care of the four lost Kings who really caused mischief. Aaall over Africa. So, Homosexuality deamon taught pastor’s son that there are all kinds of demons. Pentacostal bullshit deamons. Pentacostal kinda ok demons.

And that is a brief scientific history of demons via Pentecos-magination. Next week, in Pentacostal Bible Study, we will talk about evolution. And why Adam is shit scared of Eve.

By Ainehi Edoro | Published in Brittle Paper on January 8, 2014

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